kriscritter (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
kriscritter) wrote2021-12-05 09:05 pm
kriscritter) wrote2021-12-05 09:05 pm
(no subject)
I've been having a really, really hard time lately.
I don't know why this year is the year I've suddenly felt the true weight of all that I've lost in the last few years, a lifetime, but it's all coming down now. The holidays aren't exactly to blame - I would feel this way anyway, but the season puts a magnifier on the experience. I think often of my grandma, who I realize now, more than I did last year, really -was- the closest approximation to a mom that I had.
I'm struggling with what to do about my relationship with my mom. It's so terrifying to think about cutting her off, to make the choice to walk away from another person who I was close to. And people keep dying.
My grandma in 2017, my aunt in 2019, my grandpa in 2019...The closest person I ever had to a brother is a violent woman-beater. Just one loss after another, unending loss. It's been a few years of intense loss in my very tiny family. And my dad is aging. Everyone is aging. I am crushed by the sadness of it. I feel lonely.
I'm also feeling this sense of just whole-hearted non-importance. I put so much goddamn effort into so many relationships and attempts at relationships, and it feels pointless. I tried to make things work with the kids' mom, have some kind of normalcy for them, for nothing. I try, try, try, put so much energy, money, time into things. I am the 'call when you need to be bailed out' friend. I am the 'call when someone has died' friend. I am the 'draw you pictures', 'write you letters', find out all of your favorite things-friend. But I feel so lonely and feel that so rarely do others reflect that same level of interest and fascination with me. So rarely do I feel like someone wants to impress me, that someone wants to share passion with me. That my passions are worth sharing. I try, in fits and starts. But it's so easy to see rejection at every turn.
I feel like I am the 'send a funny meme' to friend. I am the 'how's it been?' friend. I am.. an enigma? Annoying? Stupid? Surface-level? I don't know. I long for deep connection, for a sense that I bring something of value to the world. The crushing sense of how pointless and 'fine' everything else would be if I just stopped trying, is disheartening and sad. I wish I was interesting or smart or anything. I'm putting so much work into the comic, but it probably sucks. The sense of "Whats the point" has been so loud lately. I remember when I was in middle school, I felt like the only reason people kept me around was so that I'd draw them pictures. The other parts of my personhood were shunned and bullied. I didn't really have friends. Just people who used me. I feel like if I stopped drawing, I would be nothing. (And it's still not 'enough').
I dont know if this is a cry for help so much as a bloodletting. I've had so much pain and loneliness in my heart for my whole life, and I found out recently how neglected and abused I was, ever since I was a baby. I am having so many feelings that I've only barely begun to explore. I have therapy soon, but it's not enough. I'm just so sad lately, interrupted by good days. Good hours. The only thing I can focus on in a neutral way is work. I'm diving into it because it's predictable and escapist. There's always work to do.
I feel forgettable and impermanent and like I just want to stop trying so hard.
I'm not in any danger, I don't think so anyway, but the darker thoughts have been more frequent and I don't know what to do about that either.
What do you do when you find out that you were unwanted as a baby? That you were abandoned? What do you do when everything suddenly has a terrible explaination?
What do you do when not-good-enough has been forever?
It fucking sucks.
I don't know why this year is the year I've suddenly felt the true weight of all that I've lost in the last few years, a lifetime, but it's all coming down now. The holidays aren't exactly to blame - I would feel this way anyway, but the season puts a magnifier on the experience. I think often of my grandma, who I realize now, more than I did last year, really -was- the closest approximation to a mom that I had.
I'm struggling with what to do about my relationship with my mom. It's so terrifying to think about cutting her off, to make the choice to walk away from another person who I was close to. And people keep dying.
My grandma in 2017, my aunt in 2019, my grandpa in 2019...The closest person I ever had to a brother is a violent woman-beater. Just one loss after another, unending loss. It's been a few years of intense loss in my very tiny family. And my dad is aging. Everyone is aging. I am crushed by the sadness of it. I feel lonely.
I'm also feeling this sense of just whole-hearted non-importance. I put so much goddamn effort into so many relationships and attempts at relationships, and it feels pointless. I tried to make things work with the kids' mom, have some kind of normalcy for them, for nothing. I try, try, try, put so much energy, money, time into things. I am the 'call when you need to be bailed out' friend. I am the 'call when someone has died' friend. I am the 'draw you pictures', 'write you letters', find out all of your favorite things-friend. But I feel so lonely and feel that so rarely do others reflect that same level of interest and fascination with me. So rarely do I feel like someone wants to impress me, that someone wants to share passion with me. That my passions are worth sharing. I try, in fits and starts. But it's so easy to see rejection at every turn.
I feel like I am the 'send a funny meme' to friend. I am the 'how's it been?' friend. I am.. an enigma? Annoying? Stupid? Surface-level? I don't know. I long for deep connection, for a sense that I bring something of value to the world. The crushing sense of how pointless and 'fine' everything else would be if I just stopped trying, is disheartening and sad. I wish I was interesting or smart or anything. I'm putting so much work into the comic, but it probably sucks. The sense of "Whats the point" has been so loud lately. I remember when I was in middle school, I felt like the only reason people kept me around was so that I'd draw them pictures. The other parts of my personhood were shunned and bullied. I didn't really have friends. Just people who used me. I feel like if I stopped drawing, I would be nothing. (And it's still not 'enough').
I dont know if this is a cry for help so much as a bloodletting. I've had so much pain and loneliness in my heart for my whole life, and I found out recently how neglected and abused I was, ever since I was a baby. I am having so many feelings that I've only barely begun to explore. I have therapy soon, but it's not enough. I'm just so sad lately, interrupted by good days. Good hours. The only thing I can focus on in a neutral way is work. I'm diving into it because it's predictable and escapist. There's always work to do.
I feel forgettable and impermanent and like I just want to stop trying so hard.
I'm not in any danger, I don't think so anyway, but the darker thoughts have been more frequent and I don't know what to do about that either.
What do you do when you find out that you were unwanted as a baby? That you were abandoned? What do you do when everything suddenly has a terrible explaination?
What do you do when not-good-enough has been forever?
It fucking sucks.
no subject
I know how crushing loss can be, and how hard it is sometimes to walk away or try to deal with difficult relationships with family members. But however lonely you feel, know that the family you loved and isn't here anymore deeply cared for you and wanted you to be happy, while the people that remains and that you hold dear in your heart can be more of a family than blood relations can ever be.
It is indeed easy to see rejection at every turn, and hard to see the contrary when loneliness looms over us. But with this you also know deep down that you are in turn held dear by so many, that see you as an inspiration, a close friend, and overall an incredible person.
The feeling of being less than you truly are, to have to hide who you are or that you bring nothing to those that know you is false. To the people that know you, you are surely a comforting presence, someone they can rely on and know they can trust. You bring that kindness and inspiration I talked about to the world and to those that interact with you, or simply view your work and your actions. And to me at least, however insignificant I may seem as a random comment on the internet, you've brought solace.
Looking back on life, your memories and experiences can sometime hit like a truck, when you realize that what you thought was normal simply wasn't. And you can be overwhelmed by it, by the desire for a normal past and the trauma caused by it. I can't bring you answers and maybe I can't even make you feel better, but I just want you to know that no matter what happened, how you feel, how the bad days seem to meld together broken through by a few hours of good, those few hours are worth every struggle and every attempt.
People love you, believe in you and want to support you. I sincerely hope you'll be able to recover, because while it may fucking sucks, the people we choose to love make it all worth it.