I've been having a really, really hard time lately.

I don't know why this year is the year I've suddenly felt the true weight of all that I've lost in the last few years, a lifetime, but it's all coming down now. The holidays aren't exactly to blame - I would feel this way anyway, but the season puts a magnifier on the experience. I think often of my grandma, who I realize now, more than I did last year, really -was- the closest approximation to a mom that I had.

I'm struggling with what to do about my relationship with my mom. It's so terrifying to think about cutting her off, to make the choice to walk away from another person who I was close to. And people keep dying.

My grandma in 2017, my aunt in 2019, my grandpa in 2019...The closest person I ever had to a brother is a violent woman-beater. Just one loss after another, unending loss. It's been a few years of intense loss in my very tiny family. And my dad is aging. Everyone is aging. I am crushed by the sadness of it. I feel lonely.

I'm also feeling this sense of just whole-hearted non-importance. I put so much goddamn effort into so many relationships and attempts at relationships, and it feels pointless. I tried to make things work with the kids' mom, have some kind of normalcy for them, for nothing. I try, try, try, put so much energy, money, time into things. I am the 'call when you need to be bailed out' friend. I am the 'call when someone has died' friend. I am the 'draw you pictures', 'write you letters', find out all of your favorite things-friend. But I feel so lonely and feel that so rarely do others reflect that same level of interest and fascination with me. So rarely do I feel like someone wants to impress me, that someone wants to share passion with me. That my passions are worth sharing. I try, in fits and starts. But it's so easy to see rejection at every turn.

I feel like I am the 'send a funny meme' to friend. I am the 'how's it been?' friend. I am.. an enigma? Annoying? Stupid? Surface-level? I don't know. I long for deep connection, for a sense that I bring something of value to the world. The crushing sense of how pointless and 'fine' everything else would be if I just stopped trying, is disheartening and sad. I wish I was interesting or smart or anything. I'm putting so much work into the comic, but it probably sucks. The sense of "Whats the point" has been so loud lately. I remember when I was in middle school, I felt like the only reason people kept me around was so that I'd draw them pictures. The other parts of my personhood were shunned and bullied. I didn't really have friends. Just people who used me. I feel like if I stopped drawing, I would be nothing. (And it's still not 'enough').

I dont know if this is a cry for help so much as a bloodletting. I've had so much pain and loneliness in my heart for my whole life, and I found out recently how neglected and abused I was, ever since I was a baby. I am having so many feelings that I've only barely begun to explore. I have therapy soon, but it's not enough. I'm just so sad lately, interrupted by good days. Good hours. The only thing I can focus on in a neutral way is work. I'm diving into it because it's predictable and escapist. There's always work to do.

I feel forgettable and impermanent and like I just want to stop trying so hard.

I'm not in any danger, I don't think so anyway, but the darker thoughts have been more frequent and I don't know what to do about that either.

What do you do when you find out that you were unwanted as a baby? That you were abandoned? What do you do when everything suddenly has a terrible explaination?

What do you do when not-good-enough has been forever?

It fucking sucks.